Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
