I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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