Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
