So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
