Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
