Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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