I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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