Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
