I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
its not stalking. its research.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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