FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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