My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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