dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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