your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
it hurts more in the daytime
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
