dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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