i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
