last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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