I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Randomize