I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
