What a fucking waste of an outfit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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