When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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