i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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