I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
