Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
