Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
