Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
