I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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