her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
don't judge my taste in strippers
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
