took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Houston, we have a blender
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize