I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
