mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
