How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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