Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
