so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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