I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize