WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
