Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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