I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
