Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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