just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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