I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize