Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
