I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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