i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
