Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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I need you to use more vowels.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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