If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My penis needs a shock collar
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
