five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
