My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
