Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Gay?
German.
Pity.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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