Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
