FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
