Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
