we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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