hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
