There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
