um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
