Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
