i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
