Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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