just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
