Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
