Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
