i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
