you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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