Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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