There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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