Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
