so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
